Speed Bump

UGH!  I can not say that loud enough!  I have been derailed for over a month.  It all started with hurting my back.  Got better then it happened again.  UGH!!!  I haven't worked out for over a week and it is driving me nuts. Every morning I wake up thinking today's the day I will get back on track with exercise and I start moving.  That's when I realize, nope it's not gonna happen again.  Then the thoughts of ...."I am never going to lose this weight," or "I am failing at this AGAIN!"  I have to constantly remind myself, this is just a speed bump.  You know the kind that slow you down on purpose.  You got over it, it slows you down and then once passed that area you speed back up.  Usually those speed bumps we hit when driving are found near areas that people tend to speed through and it's a way to slow drivers down such as parking lots. They are also placed in areas to slow drivers down to keep them and others (usually children) safe such as near schools.

  So right now I seem to be stuck on one of those speed bumps.  Maybe this is God's way of saying hey slow down and let's do things my way.  I know things happen and life sometimes gets in the way and yes my focus as been so STUCK on getting the weight off I have sorta put God in the back burner.  Uhm that surely was not my intention but it happened.  So while I am stuck on this speed bump and trying to heal I will stop and take time to ask God to tell me how and what to do.  Oh wait...that was probably His plan the whole time.

*picture courtesy TLC Traffic Safety

The Tree

Today, the day before Thanksgiving we went on the hunt for the perfect Christmas tree.  We went with our dear friends, Michael and Marty Short and their children to the family farm. 

The kids got a ride up the hill.

MOO!  They were not happy that we made them move out of the way.

An old dried up spring.

Our motley crew.

 

A very cool tree we found.  It is a thorn tree. 

Before decorations

 I am now sitting here looking at our cedar tree (before decorations) that we found this morning. It's kinda thin, a bit straggly in places and definitely not a prefect full tree you can buy at many Christmas tree lots. It reminds me of how I was before I found Christ. A bit of a mess, straggly and definitely not perfect! In a while we will decorate it, add lights and this straggly tree will become beautiful and perfect to us. You see that is what God does with us. He takes our messes, our straggly lives and transforms them into what He wants for us when we yield to His plans and trust in His guidance. Am I perfect...far from it, but I am fully of joy, I have hope and I am blessed beyond measure. It may not make sense to the world for I do not base my life or my blessings on material things and ya know what that is ok with me. I know where I place my trust and hope and I pray you, my friends, find that hope if you haven't already.

Our straggly tree has transformed into a beautiful little tree.

Simple Reminder

I hit a wall.  I knew it was coming.  So the last few days I have drastically changed my eating habits.  Tonight I had Chinese..yea I know, "WHAT was I thinking!"  Ha!  I was thinking I want Chinese food.  Got beef and broccoli and did not eat all the rice.   I will be back to the grind tomorrow and through the week till Thanksgiving.  Giving myself that day to just enjoy what the Lord has blessed us with...with in reason naturally!  It's just our family so I only make what we like...turkey, broccoli, green beans, mash taters and my husband wants stuffing.  Oh and don't forget the cranberry sauce.  For dessert, pumpkin pie and apple pie.  I will not be eating the carbs but will save a place for a piece of pie.
 Anyway with our dinner naturally we get the fortune cookie. This is what mine said...

   I think this is appropriate!  What do you think!  God sure does have a funny way of reminding us to stay focused!  Never give up!  Never give in!

Thanksgiving is Coming and I'm Dieting

Thanksgiving is coming next week.  I love Thanksgiving and I have SO MUCH to be thankful for.  But with this holiday that is always full of fattening, high calorie foods, it can be hard to make wise food choices. 
 A friend of mine is a leader for TOPS.  I am not part of this group nor is there one close to me to join.  She shared with me two links to two great articles on Thanksgiving and dieting.  I wanted to share them here with those that may be struggling through and wondering how they will handle the holidays.  I am sure these principles will work for Christmas parties and dinner as well. 

 10 Tips for a Thinner Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving Weight Gain: Keep Weight Loss Goals

Struggles

 I haven't been writing and boy have I been struggling this last week. Struggling with my weight fluctuation up and down and with what I am eating.  UGH!!! Gotta get my focus back!  On a happy note I have still continued to work out every day and have even gotten back to riding my stationary bike.  Of which I am sure those that even read this find exciting.  HA!  Actually I am very excited about it because it feel great to be able to ride again.  Now I just have to pace myself as to not injure my ankle again.
  I have worked myself back up from 15 mins. to 35 mins. a day.  I try to do 15-20 mins. one day and the next 30-35 mins.  trying to take it easy on the ankle.  Goal is to get back to 35-45 mins. every day but Sundays.  Sunday is my day off from exercising and I am thinking I may allow myself that day to also just eat what I want within reason.  Gotta think on that one for a while though.
   As a Christian I believe in fasting periodically.  It's a way of getting closer to God, sacrificing for Him and to get my focus back.  Fasting can be used for a variety of spiritual things as well as physical.  I am really thinking about doing a 3-5 day fast where I only drink liquids.  I need to gain control of how and what I am eating.  I need to get my focus back and break the stinkin' thinkin' again.  Still praying about it but think this might be a perfect time to do this.  Saturday through Wednesday and then break the fast on Thanksgiving Day.  Hmmm.....we'll see!  Trusting God to show me His plan with this.

I Quit!

I quit!  Yep I quit! I am giving up to never do the same thing again!  I am never going back to the way things were!  I quit that life and have picked up a new one. One where I face the mountains and will tell them to move.  I shall over come this monster of obesity.  One pound at a time!  I am not throwing in the towel when the going gets tough.  I am not going back to the 300s.  Never again I shall over come and reach my goals.
   Speaking of goals, I did it again! I had a goal to bring my A1C down from the 8.0 it was in August and according to my lab work I had done last week it is DOWN to 5.8!  WOO HOO!!  Yes medicine plays a role in that but I have to say I believe that the exercising and the weight loss so far has impacted it as well.  I am proud of my accomplishments.  I am excited for what the future holds.
   This is tough!  VERY tough!  I have struggled with every step, every day I have to chose to eat right, to exercise and to not fall back into old habits of eating and thinking.  I have struggled this week up till today.  Having the results back from the labs just tells me I am making an impact for the good for my health.  I can't give up!
  My new slogan.....   Not giving up!  Not giving in!  Going to beat this monster and win! 

The Slide

What a journey I am on! You never know what you will encounter on a journey, good and bad, you may have to face both on a journey.  This week has been one of many emotions.  Some great, some not so great.  My attitude has not been the best and I have fallen a few times.  Fallen to the temptation of Halloween candy, carbs and just not wanting to exercise at all.  Attitudes and thoughts such as, "When do I get to stop exercising, why do I have to fight for every ounce?"  Just mucky thinking.  Then something happened! Something remarkable!  Something awesome!  Something that just proves to me that I have to PUSH through those mucky thinking days!

What in the world does this slide have to do with pushing through you wonder?!  EVERYTHING!  This is similar to what I faced at Kingdom Karnival with my children at our church.  It is a 24 ft tall slide that you have to climb to the top of.  Oh, it's easy you say, NO IT IS NOT! It was a true work out!  It was a climb up that thing and I had NEVER done anything like this in my life.  Not even in my childhood.  But I DID IT!  I climbed to the top.  Okay, let me back track a little.   You see I got half way up and my legs started hurting.  I was fearful I was going to injure my knee or ankle again. (I did aggravate the tendonitis in the ankle.) I was using the ropes on the sides to pull myself up.  It literally was like climbing for my life.  I even stopped and thought I can't do this, I am just going to go back down.  But when I turned around all of these kids (including mine) were there climbing up too.  Then this precious little girl named Kayleigh, who I just love to death, came climbing up to me and said, "You can do it Messa! I know you can!" It was exactly what I needed to hear! I climbed up there and then sat at the slide thinking WOW I did it!  I slide down and it was crazy fast.  But I did it!
   Kayleigh's words reminded me that God is FOR ME!  He will never forsake me in my weakness!  I know He is for me and He used Kayleigh to remind me that He is there saying, "You can do it Melissa!  I know you can!"  Thank you Lord for sending Kayleigh up to encourage me!

This song says it all.... God is for Me by Kari Jobe

Goal Set and Acheived!

On August 22, 2012 I set out to change my life.  Change my health.   I set a goal to lose 21 lbs in 12 weeks.  I wanted to get down to 295 by the time I would return to see the doctor.  According to my scale on Sunday I hit and passed that mark!  I was at 294.5 yesterday morning.  To say I am excited is by far an understatement!  What's even better than that...I have 11 days till my appointment.  Which can only mean, I hope and pray that I will be even less weight. 
   So today, Oct 29, 2012 I am setting another goal!  I  would like to hit 275 by January 20, 2013.  That is 12 weeks from today, 24.5 lbs to lose.   Yes that means approximately 2 lbs a week.  Can I do it?  Hmmm I sure hope so!  So what does that mean to my exercise routine and eating habits...staying the course....increasing the exercise and just PUSHING FORWARD.

  I don't doubt that I may hit a road block, I might hit a plateau but I am not giving up, not giving in, I am going to beat this monster and win!

Blah Days!

Have you ever had those blah days?  Well I have and today is one of those days!  Actually I had a great day.  Took my kids with my best friend and she took a bunch of great pictures of them.  I am very happy with the time we took to do that and the results.
  But when it comes to dieting and exercising, I just feel BLAH today! Partly because I didn't do so well and the other part, just not really feeling all that well.  Feel very worn down mentally and physically.
So when it comes to days like today I take a day off.  A day off of everything.  I will restart again tomorrow and know that God has this in His hand and I am there too.  He is helping me through these blah days as well as my victorious days! 

Major Goal ~ SUCCESS!

I wanna shout it, from every roof top....I AM VICTORIOUS!!!!

WOO HOOO!  I have hit a major goal!  I have lost 51 lbs.  Yep I am now down to 297.  I am so excited and so proud.  despite the lose of exercising on my stationary bike I am still losing weight.  WOO HOO!  

But I have to share that it is more than just weight that I am losing.  I have lived my whole life with this false guilt.  That it was "my fault" that I was sexually abused.  That I am a failure.  I'm not worth anything and definitely not worthy of having anything good.  All lies from the devil!  God is cleaning me out of those lies.  I am worth it!  I am victorious!  I am beautiful!  I am NOT at fault for actions beyond my control such as being abused.

My God is doing a work in me.  Hence the name Broken Potterie for the title of the blog.  I am but clay in the master's hand and He isn't done with me yet! 

Injury

So this has been a tough week.  I have hurt my ankle which means no working out on my stationary bike.  That frustrates me to no end.  The funny thing is it's almost like God is saying, slow down and let Me help you through this journey.  Come to Me and let me show you how I want you to lose this weight.  I am ok with that.  I am realizing that I have been trying to do it all on my own.  I need his help with this.  So I shall rest the ankle, keep doing what I can do and trust that He will see me through this time.  Trusting Him to see me through.  He has always been faithful and I know He will be faithful with this as well.  Thank you Lord!

Hit the Mark

OK so a few weeks ago I ranted on about how I hated the scale.  Well I still do!  Honestly we have gone through a bunch of batteries just to figure out the digital scale was really malfunctioning.  BIG FROWN! Do you know what a messed up scale does to you mentally when you can't get an accurate number week after week.  It was driving me NUTTY! Needless to say this past week we went and bought a new, standard, nonelectric scale.  Sunday was my official weigh in and I am HAPPY to SHOUT that I have really reached a major goal!  I hit the 300 mark!  I have also lost 4 inches in key areas of my body! WOO HOO!  PRAISE THE LORD!  HALLELUJAH!

   Yes I am shouting!  I have fought hard for every single ounce and I am very proud of where I am at!  It truly has been a struggle to get here.  This week I am reducing my calorie intake down to 1000-1100 cals. a day.  I have cut almost all carbs out of my diet.  Let me stress when I say carbs I specifically mean potatoes, bread, pasta and rice.  All of which I love!  I LOVE Italian and Mexican foods and both are terrible when it comes to carb counts and what they do to my system.  So I have a friend that shared a recipe for a carb free crust for pizza and I changed it up for an enchilada bake tonight (left out the garlic) and it was to die for!  Oh, I can not forget the carb. free pancakes too.  (Click pizza/pancakes for the recipes.) Oh my I am in heaven with both and feel like I have splurged and I know I haven't!  It truly helps the mental part of this journey. 
  On an even happier note, my glucose levels have been a LOT better as well.  In fact I have had some numbers that were below 80 and that was shocking to me to be honest.  I haven't had numbers below 80 in well 4 years.  My goal for this medical issue to be completely back to normal, diabetes free and medicine free as well.  It has been done by others and since I am type 2 it is a big possibility for me.  I HOPE and PRAY!

UGH!!! Pity Party/Meltdown

Yep having one of those days!  Seriously, it's not about exercising.  I did that today!  I do that every day.  It's the whole I want to eat what I want to eat and not have to think about how many carbs it might have or how it might affect my blood glucose levels.  For two days I have ate what I wanted and now I see how badly it does affect my glucose levels.
   UGH!  So I went through a bit of a pity party tonight.  Yep I did!  can you believe that?  lol!  I think we all go through those times.  But mine basically boiled down to this...what if I lose all the weight I need to lose and I am still a Type 2 diabetic?  What if I do all this exercise and lose the weight and nothing changes?  I  know that I will never be rid of the arthritis or the peripheral neuropathy.  That will still be here and those two things hurt.  Although I know losing the weight will help the arthritis the damage from the disease will not improve. 
   Just frustrating and honestly scary.  I worry that I will always be a diabetic.  Dagum why didn't I listen to the doctor 8 years ago?! UGH!  I am kicking myself hard, very hard.
   I am thankful that God is helping me with this adventure though!  Very thankful!

Changing

 

Growing Stronger

Oh my word!  I have been doing crunches.  Started with 20 worked up to 30 and the other night did 50.  My 8 yr old daughter is helping me and she was counting.  I said lets go to 40 and she said ok.  So midstream I ask what number I am on and she says, "30."  When I got to 40 she and her brother were laughing.  I said, "What's so funny?" She then tells me, "Mommy you just did 50!"  UGH!  No wonder I thought I was dying!
  So last night when I asked her to help me (she holds my feet down).  She says, "Let's do 60!"  "UHM NO WAY GIRL!  Let's stick with 50 for a few days, my stomach is killing me!" I said.  She was like, "Well, where's the fun in that?!"    
   HAHA!  Crazy girl, it's like I have my own Julian from Biggest Loser in my house.  HAHA!

Not Gonna Do It!

Just want to be...

So the scale and I are friends for now.  LOL!  Seriously Sundays are my official weigh in day.  SO why in the world would I chose Sundays you ask?!  Well because no matter what it says my goal is to bring God the glory.  If it says I have gained or stayed the same I will go to church and worship!  If it says I have lost I will go to church and worship!  No matter what I know that I am NOT defined by the scale numbers.  Although I really do want it to say I have lost every time I get on it!!!
  Sunday was one of those days!  It said I lost!  WOO HOO!  In fact I have just 3 lbs to get out of the 300s.  Yes according to the scale I weighed 302.6 lbs.  Am I proud of that number yes and no.  Yes because I have lost 14 lbs since Aug 22.  NO because I can't believe I really let myself get this big.  I am just very happy that God is helping me with this battle and I will win.  May not be over night but every single ounce counts!
  "Thank you Lord for giving me the determination and strength to really do it this time.  Thank you that when I feel down and feel like giving up, You remind me that you are there helping me!  Thank you for just being there!~Amen!"

No Quitting

Batteries?!

Ok so today the scale is not my enemy BUT if those batteries are dying like they were a few weeks ago I am gonna be very upset!  Seriously, like 4 weeks ago the scale said I was the same weight it says I am now.  But two days later I realized the batteries were dying and it was completely wrong.  I am glad we can just pop the rechargeable batteries and recharge them or head to the store for more disposable ones.  Funny, when I am drained and need recharged the best thing I can do is head to the Bible and spend time reading God's Word and praying.  That always recharges me!  How about you?
      I have fought hard the last 4 weeks to get back to that number and today the scale said I hit the   mark.  Although I still do not trust it what so ever it does make me that much closer to hitting my goal for when I go back to the doctor.   I have six week to lose 10 lbs.  That is roughly just over a pound and half to lose every week.  It will take a LOT of determination and exercise.  It seems I have to fight for every ounce and I am willing to do that.  I like how I am feeling and I am positive the more I lose the better I will feel. Now if I could just get the arthritis pain in control I would be even more happier!
  
   "Lord pour your healing balm of Gilead over my joints and heal them.  Restore what has been destroyed but this terrible disease!" ~ Amen!

The Scale~ My Enemy

Sometimes I think the scale is my enemy!  I mean seriously why can't it just keep going down instead of the bouncing up and down!  So apparently since Sunday I have lost 4 lbs...yay!  Oh yea right!  Like I really believe that stupid scale.  I have a goal in mind right of where I want to be in 2 months time.  I really want to be down another 11 pounds by Thanksgiving. I sure would like to see that happen.  I am trying.  Exercising daily and have cut my calories back.  Although I went over my calorie limit tonight badly, that won't be happening again!  I have a goal and I have to meet it.
  So what if I don't?  Well I am not going to quit if that is what you are thinking.  I mean the Bible tells us, "He who began a good work in you is faithful to complete it!"  (Phil 1:6) SO if God won't give up on me then who am I to give up on myself??
  " Lord show me what you would have me to do!  Show me what I need to cut and/or add to my daily journey to get healthy!  Give me wisdom, help me to make wise decisions and most importantly I ask that you heal my knees, feet and ankles so that I can do what I want to do concerning exercise.  Lord it is only by your strength and help that I can and will meet my simple goals and eventually meet the major goal.  HELP ME LORD!"  ~ Amen!

Encouraging Words

Sometimes all you need is someone to tell you they have been there and support you.  Thankful that I have people in my life that do that for me.  But sometimes you gotta tell your self the same thing.  So the last few days I have been thinking about doing something to encourage myself. 

 I came up with this! 

 It's a little hard to read but you get the point!  Keep fighting!  No giving up!  No giving in!  You can do this!  Your life depends on it!  But my favorite is "Don't look at how far you have to go, look at what you have achieved!"  Which is what my 12 yr old son told me to add to my list!   I am so blessed with great kids!  Thank You Lord!

Seriously??

Ok why is it so stinkin' easy for men to lose weight!  Seriously!  I am stuck att he same weight for 3 weeks and my husband keeps losing weight.  Don't get me wrong I am happy he is losing cause it is improving his high blood pressure issue but dang it I need to lose more than he does!  Trying to figure out what I need to do to lose more.  Maybe starve myself?  Nah but I guess I will need to cut more calories out.  According to Loseit.com I am suppose to be able to lose 1 1/2  pounds but eating no more than 2400 calories for my weight size.  Well I cut back to 1800 when I started losing weight and now I guess I need to cut back some more.  It is frustrating because I have given up so much but apparently I need to do more.

Rough

 YEP!!! The above cartoon is definitely how it has been this week!  Well that is TODAY!  I haven't worked out for three days.  WHY?  PAIN!!!!!  I have been in so much pain!  Arthritis and neuropathy pain to be exact.  I hate when the two gang up on me and attack  That literally is how it feels.  There is nothing that can be done other than rest, take meds and pray.  Of which I have done.  Today I got up and said enough was enough although by the time it was workout time I was really dragging.  But I pushed through and did it. There is too much riding on me losing this weight and meeting some goals.

Yep again this is how I feel about the scale and my diet!  I want to shoot the scale.  I have struggled with the numbers this week.  I know I can't determine if I am doing well by what the scale says but when it goes up and not down and I am doing what I know to do i just want to through it against the wall, stomp on it and scream!  It's a mental thing honestly and I have got to break free of that kind of thinking!  In His strength I am strong, In His arms I belong.  In His strength I will win!
   Honestly my plea is "Lord help me!" 

No Complaining!

"Do all things without whining and complaining." (Philippians 2:14). What a great scripture for our kids to memorize and yet how many times do we as adults complain about going to work, house hold chores, serving at church, exercising, ect... Maybe we as adults also need to memorize this scripture, repent and realize we are bless to do have these opportunities in our lives!
    
That was my status the other day on Facebook.  It is something I have pondered the last few days and am grateful that God not only spoke to me but spoke to my kids.  I shared my devotional with them that morning before even thinking about school (we home school by the way).  Yesterday I shared about this new health journey I am on and let me tell ya after I shared with you I knew the bike was waiting for me.   I didn't say it out loud but I sure was thinking about how much I did NOT want to go work out.  I was complaining in my thoughts..."why do I have to do this,"  " I don't want to!" BUT I got up off my duff and went and worked out for 30 mins.  I even did a more intense workout and man am I feeling it today.  My calves are screaming and tight.  I need to go get on the bike and do some time but honestly my calves are sore and and ankles are stiff.  I will go work out and I will try to do so with a joyful heart!   

What are you doing to get healthier??  Let us not do it with whining and complaining but let's give God the glory for blessing us with the ability to get stronger in body and in Him!

Journey Towards Health

So I have embarked once again on a weight loss journey.  Yep this is going to be one heck of a journey and I have a LOT of weight to lose.  I feel like I need to just put this out there as well My starting weight was 348 lbs as of Jan of 2011 and as of today I am at 308. I have lost 40 lbs and have so much more to go.  In fact 108 lbs to go to reach my goal weight.   I have lost 22 lbs since April.  Just a few weeks ago I was down to 304 and now I am back to 308.  What caused this 4 lbs weight gain I have no idea.  Could be two things...water retention or muscle gain.
   I want to believe it is muscle gain because I have been working out with weights and doing some strenuous workouts with my legs but it more than likely is water retention.  I can tell because my knees and ankles are swollen.  Although they tend to swell every day do to the inflammation from arthritis.
   So how did I get so obese you ask?  Well let me think....EATING, NOT EXERCISING, yea that would be the biggest reason but there are some other things that have played into the whole issue such as low self esteem, lack of motivation, feelings of failure, fear of the unknown just to name a few.  Let me share a bit of my life history, although not the blame for everything, it has played a huge role in where I am today.
   As far back as 8 years of age I can remember being put on a diet.  Yes I distinctly remember my pediatrician telling my mother that I was fat and needed to be on a diet.  So home we went and I was not allowed snacks not even fruit.  I only ate three small meals.  I distinctly remember my portions were much smaller than my siblings and I always left the table feeling deprived.  I wasn't mind you but I thought I was and that is when I started sneaking food and hiding it in my closet. OK being super transparent here, I literally would wait till my parents went to bed and would sneak to the kitchen take food and then hide it under my toys.  Now don't think badly of my parents!  They were doing what the doctor said to do.   Back then you didn't go against what doctors told you to do.  I DO NOT BLAME MY PARENTS AT ALL!
   I remember very clearly one time at school, I was in 3rd grade and I had chosen a sandwich for lunch and part of the bread had fallen off.  When I asked the lunch aid to get a new one I was told, "Do you really need it?  Maybe if you wouldn't eat so much you wouldn't be fat!"  REALLY?  Hello, it was just the top of my sandwich I wasn't asking for another sandwich!  Needless to say another blow to my self esteem...she said this loudly in front of the whole cafeteria! 
    I also went through a few years where I was being molested by neighborhood boys and a family friend.  I never told anyone about it till I was a teenager but by then it had ended (we moved to a new city).  But the damage was there.  I began eating all the time to hide my depression and through therapy have realized that by gaining weight I was hiding from being hurt by men.  The whole "if I'm fat they won't want to touch me" thought process was there although not revealed to me until I went through a period of counseling.
   Through my preteen and teen years I continued to struggle with weight gain and would start a new diet and then quit.  I think I have been on every kind of diet there has been.  Into my adult life and I have continued to struggle.  Through the years I have failed to lose weight and keep it off always gaining what I lost and more back.  I have struggled with a low self esteem and feelings of failure in this area of my life for over 34 years.  Thankfully God placed my husband into my life who saw past my 'fat walls of protection," fell in love with me and we now have been married for 15 years, have had 5 children and are still in love!
   Anyway, due to my lack of self control and laziness I reached that terrible number of 348.   My health has paid for it as well.  I have arthritis, which is inherited but it is also a product of a sedentary life.  I have Type 2 diabetes and neuropathy (which is a daily battle with extreme pain) in both of my feet, ankles and now hands.  I am on meds for the diabetes and at the last doctor appointment I was told my A1C is an 8.  Which is terrible!  It has never been that high.  Only option was to increase my oral meds and if it does not come down I will be put on insulin.  Of which due to our financial situation we can NOT afford the meds for that. 
   I guess you could say God has used this situation to get my attention FINALLY!  So 4 weeks ago I started on this journey towards health.  I immediately started cutting out all soda, sweets (not a big sweet eater anyway) and carbs.  I also started exercising more.  I was exercising all summer, in our small swimming pool but decided it just wasn't enough so I started riding our stationary bike for 20 minutes a day.   I am now doing 20 mins. in the morning and 30 mins in the evening.  I also have started including hand weights.
   In four weeks I have lost 8 lbs.  WOO HOO!  That is huge!  It really is!  So, why am I so frustrated this week when I don't see the scale move or worse it goes up!  Not 2 weeks ago it said 304 and now it says 308.  That is frustrating to no end.  I have to be honest it did side swipe me this week.  Focusing on what that scale said why do I let it get to me?  I have to keep going forward and not let it dictate whether I am a success or a failure at this!
   I have to keep going, steady as I go.  Fighting for every pound, every ounce!!  With God's help I know I will succeed!  Took me 38 years to get this big and it will take me a while to get it off.  It is not going to happen over night and that is something I must remember!

Carry Me

This song says everything I am feeling:

Carry Me to the Cross ~ Kutless

When the path is daunting
And every step exhausting
I'm not alone
I'm not alone, no, no
I feel you draw me closer
All these burdens on my shoulder
I'm not alone, I'm not alone
You pull me me from this place

Hellelujah
You carry me every day
You carry me all all the way
Hallelujah
You carry me to the
You carry me to the cross

How your love has moved me, yeah
To the foot of all your glory
I'm not alone, I'm not alone
I'm not alone

Hallelujah
You carry me every day
You carry me all all the way
Hallelujah
You carry me to the
You carry me to the cross

All of these cities you have built
And every cathedral you have filled
To all of creation you gave life with your hands
And with those hands you comfort me
You lift me up from my knees
And carry me
You carry me

Hallelujah
You carry me every day
You carry me all all the way
Hallelujah
You carry me to the
You carry me to the cross
The cross
You carry me to the
You carry me to the cross

JUGGLE IS A HIT!

So I have a book that has really helped me a great deal.  I would have to say it actually has changed a few things on how I do things daily and how to accomplish what I need to in a day and the week.  I don't share much on this site but I am homeschooling our 4 children, one of which is high functioning autistic.  Anyway this book has made my life so much more organized and has helped a lot.
  What is that book you ask?  Let me share it with you!  "JUGGLE (Manage Your Time, Change Your Life!)" by Deanna Shrodes. This book written for Kindle has helped me greatly the last few weeks.  It is now available to purchase just follow this link: Juggle. 
  I absolutely love this book!  I have read many time management books over the years that left me feeling like a failure and would never achieve my goals. Some time management books have been so long that I never finished them but not with this book.  Juggle reads so easily and has real life situations as examples.   I immediately started using the steps that Deanna has to help you with your time management.  It has helped me greatly in my daily and weekly plans and goals.  Whether you have long term goals or short term this book will help you set priorities and give you steps to reach those goals.  Being a busy home schooling mother of 4 active children, time management has felt beyond my reach. These easy steps that Deanna shares in her book have given me hope. What a Godsend to me!  Seriously, no matter what your goals are, how crazy your life is, "Juggle" can help! 
   Deanna is a gifted writer, speaker, Pastor and wonderful friend. If you want to learn more about her go here.  I found her via a dear friend of mine, Michele, and have been following her blog ever since.  I had the privilege of meeting Deanna a few years ago and since then have had a great friendship, although long distance, a very cherished one. Deanna is always looking out for others doing her best to encourage others.  Check it out I promise you won't be disappointed.

BY THE WAY it hit #3 in it's category on Amazon just hours after being released!  Seriously if you are a student, mom, working woman, woman in the ministry, ok just about anyone out there, this book will help you greatly!

Blessed

I've come to a point in my life where I realize just how blessed I am.  I may not have material wealth, I may not be in perfect health,  but I am blessed.  I have a loving husband that is devoted to me and his family.  I am blessed with 4 healthy, entertaining, smart and courageous kids. God has been good to me.  No matter what trials or storms have come my way, God has been by my side.  It may not have always seemed like it to me at the time but I can see He was there now looking back.  
  So you might want to know what has happened that I am sharing this....NOTHING!  In fact looking at our finances...they stink!  Living pay check to pay check with no cushion or savings (be honest here).  Sometimes wondering how we will put food on the table...yes it's that tough some times.  BUt no matter what God has been good to us!  I shall praise Him through this storm!  I am blessed!

Punching Bag

Lately it feels like I am the bunching bag for a few people.  Specifically one who 15 years later has decided to attack me verbally.  REALLY???  Just love being the brunt of the blame for something they chose so long ago.  I am thankful I have real friends that know me, know my heart and have witnessed how God has changed my life and used me to reach others.  God knows the truth!  I spoke the truth into the situation and I chose to NOT listen to the negative banter that has become the choice of action. 

I am always amazed how people like to blame others for choices THEY make!  Good or bad, people need to accept the consequences for their actions.  I am not perfect!  NO ONE IS!  Not a single pastor, pastor's wife, or leader of any kind is perfect.  If you place your pastor on such a high pedestal they are bound to fall off and then your view of them and God may come to a crash.  Seriously, all pastors were sinners before accepting Christ as their Savior and hearing the call to be a pastor!  All pastors have a testimony and were not perfect before becoming a pastor and I can guarantee they are still not perfect after becoming a pastor.  Pastors are human! 
   Being a pastor doesn't dismiss them from repentance.  In fact being a pastor actually puts them in a position where every move, word, motive is critically watch by others under them.  Let me tell you most pastors live in glass bowls.  In other words watched under a microscope and one false move and they are zapped.  It's sad!  No wonder so many men and women leave full time ministry!

Easier?

Does it ever get easier?  I mean seriously.  Life? Parenting? Relationships? All of it seems so hard right now.  I just want a break. I can't take much more!  So many thoughts keep flooding my mind and yet somewhere there is a very dim light of hope that wants to invade the darkness.  I just wish it would break forth and show the next steps. 
  
    Abba are you listening?
    Abba do you hear me?
    Abba do you care?

Now before you write and tell me he listens, hears and cares...I KNOW THIS!  I am just at a point of asking Him again!

Believe

"Faith is taking the first step even when you don't see the whole staircase."  Martin Luther King, Jr.
Sometimes, ok most of the time I sure would like God to shed a little light on the stair case! Shew it sure has been a while since I last posted.  Sorry folks I do mean to get back to writing. So much has gone on since I last wrote and in general I don't share all that much on here just what God has been showing me.  But I feel I need to just share today.   

   In the last month our family visited NY and our family there. I lost both jobs as well.  One was a temp job so that didn't come as a big surprise.  I was told I would have another project to work on in June so losing that job hurt us financially but God has provided.  Then just last week, my main job came to an end as well.  My main job was as a care taker of an elderly woman who happened to be my best friend's grandma.  Evelyn passed away and went home to be with the Lord last week. She was loved by all who came in contact with her.

     Needless to say this all came as a shock to me.  You see in the last few months we decided to make a huge step of faith and home school all 4 of our children.  Oh my!!!  What am I thinking?!  Actually it all started years ago when our oldest started Kindergarten and I had the desire then.  Only issue was I also had twin toddlers and another older special needs child that I was over whelmed with.  So now this desire is coming full circle and I am stepping out in faith to do this.   It is scary on my part because I want them to have the best and to be honest I do question my abilities.  But here is the awesome thing about this huge step...GOD HAS PROVIDED!  I mean ALL  the curriculum and He keeps giving me great ideas on other things to add to the school year to encourage their excitement about learning. So I know this must be His plan because I have not paid more than $30 on what we have for their whole school year.

    I know this because when my husband I started talking about it I started praying that if it was God's plan for our family to start out on this journey then HE would PROVIDE ALL we needed for each child and each grade!  God has done just that.

   When we made this decision I didn't know that I would lose my main job though (it was a weekend job that would not interfere with schooling). So now here I stand in front of the stair case and I can not see the next step.  I so want God to reveal the next step!!!  

   Lord I stand in awe of how You provide for our needs, wants and desires.  I do trust that You again will provide!  I stand on your word and believe You will do all You promise.  These are the things I am believing for... 

1. Financial Freedom
2. Healing
3. Ministry Doors to Open 
4. Own our own home

     

The Ragin River

 During worship this morning, God showed me a picture of this raging river. It was fast and the current was strong but in order to get to the promises He has on the other side, crossing the river was a must. I saw people standing on the bank and instead of focusing on the promises on the other side they focused on the raging river and stood in fear and did not move forward out in faith. Then I watched others who although they saw the river kept their eyes on the promises on the other bank and stepped out in to the river.
  The river would over take those that turned back or looked at the raging water around them but those that stepped out and kept their focus on the promises, the river would become a gentle stream about them and they reached the other side where Jesus and His promises were awaiting them.

Something else God was speaking to my spirit is that...
The river is God's love for us, raging, full of jealousy, powerful. Some people are scared of it, scared to even get close and for some they inch in and stay on the shoreline just getting their feet wet. But for those that launch out into the depths, that raging river is gentle, full of grace and mercy, full of peace and healing. We have to go through His raging river of love to get to the other side to get to the promises He has for us. Not just what is in scripture but what has been spoken over us. The river is all consuming. As is His love for us.

 God seems to speak to me in pictures a lot of the time and I am still trying to take it all in.  I know there is some deep messages here.  I am trusting that He will show me more as I meditate on His word and ask Him to show me more.  I pray that what I have shared thus far is something that has or will encourage you.

Why Did Jesus Fold the Napkin?

 Why did Jesus fold the linen burial cloth after His resurrection? I never noticed this.... The Gospel of John (20:7) tells us that the napkin, which was placed over... the face of Jesus, was not just thrown aside like the grave clothes. The Bible takes an entire verse to tell us that the napkin was neatly folded, and was placed separate from the grave clothes.

 Early Sunday morning, while it was still dark, Mary Magdalene came to the tomb and found that the stone had been rolled away from the entrance. She ran and found Simon Peter and the other disciple, the one whom Jesus loved. She said, 'They have taken the Lord's body out of the tomb, and I don't know where they have put him!' Peter and the other disciple ran to the tomb to see.. The other disciple outran Peter and got there first. He stooped and looked in and saw the linen cloth lying there, but he didn't go in. Then Simon Peter arrived and went inside. He also noticed the linen wrappings lying there, while the cloth that had covered Jesus' head was folded up and lying to the side.

 Was that important? Absolutely! Is it really significant? Yes! In order to understand the significance of the folded napkin, you have to understand a little bit about Hebrew tradition of that day. The folded napkin had to do with the Master and Servant, and every Jewish boy knew this tradition. When the servant set the dinner table for the master, he made sure that it was exactly the way the master wanted it.. The table was furnished perfectly, and then the servant would wait, just out of sight, until the master had finished eating, and the servant would not dare touch that table, until the master was finished. Now if the master were done eating, he would rise from the table, wipe his fingers, his mouth, and clean his beard, and would wad up that napkin and toss it onto the table. The servant would then know to clear the table. For in those days, the wadded napkin meant, 'I'm done'. But if the master got up from the table, and folded his napkin, and laid it beside his plate, the servant would not dare touch the table, because.......... The folded napkin meant,  'I'm coming back!'

   He is Coming Back!

He's Alive Forever More!

The Gift that Became a Curse

Have you ever been given a wonderful gift and at first it is everything you wanted.  Maybe it was something you desperately needed or prayed for or just a gift from a loved one and then out of no where it is no longer a gift but a curse.  It may start off as small comments made by the giver.  Things such as, "I'm glad I could give it to you or I'm glad I had the money to give to you,"  then it changes to, "I hope you know how much that cost me or how much of a sacrifice it was for me to give it to you."
   It's as if you now owe them for the gift.  A gift is defined as: Anything given; anything voluntarily transferred by one person to another without compensation; a present; an offering. So when is a gift no longer a gift?   When the giver holds the price tag over the receiver's head!!!
   I am positive many of you (those that actually follow this blog or even stumble upon it by accident) have experienced this one time in your life or another.  I can even stretch it to say you (I) may have actually been the one doing it.
   Let me just say I would rather not even receive the gift if this is how it will be.  I am personally dealing with this right now.  Not sure how to handle it and honestly would love to just give the gift back but can't.  It was a monetary gift used to fix something.  A gift we were told.... A GIFT!  and now it has become a curse.  I am doing my best to not allow bitterness to grow towards this person.  UGH!  Why can't the gift be just that a gift!

What does a muffler and prayer have in common?

This week I wrote a new post on Pastoring Partners Network.  GO CHECK IT OUT!  Make sure you post a comment about what you think. I am always interested in others thoughts on what I have written.  I like feedback as much as anyone. :-)

Amazed!

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God." Phil 4:6 I made my petition known (even down to the specifics of my requests) and God answered those prayers tonight! Thank you Lord for answering this request so quickly and wonderfully!
   It always amazes me when God answers to the specifics of what I pray!  Not sure why it does considering the Word tells us to present your requests to God.  We should expect nothing less than what we pray for right!?  But it always amazes me.  I will share more of what God did this week for us in a later post but today I have to say THANK YOU LORD!