No Quitting

Batteries?!

Ok so today the scale is not my enemy BUT if those batteries are dying like they were a few weeks ago I am gonna be very upset!  Seriously, like 4 weeks ago the scale said I was the same weight it says I am now.  But two days later I realized the batteries were dying and it was completely wrong.  I am glad we can just pop the rechargeable batteries and recharge them or head to the store for more disposable ones.  Funny, when I am drained and need recharged the best thing I can do is head to the Bible and spend time reading God's Word and praying.  That always recharges me!  How about you?
      I have fought hard the last 4 weeks to get back to that number and today the scale said I hit the   mark.  Although I still do not trust it what so ever it does make me that much closer to hitting my goal for when I go back to the doctor.   I have six week to lose 10 lbs.  That is roughly just over a pound and half to lose every week.  It will take a LOT of determination and exercise.  It seems I have to fight for every ounce and I am willing to do that.  I like how I am feeling and I am positive the more I lose the better I will feel. Now if I could just get the arthritis pain in control I would be even more happier!
  
   "Lord pour your healing balm of Gilead over my joints and heal them.  Restore what has been destroyed but this terrible disease!" ~ Amen!

The Scale~ My Enemy

Sometimes I think the scale is my enemy!  I mean seriously why can't it just keep going down instead of the bouncing up and down!  So apparently since Sunday I have lost 4 lbs...yay!  Oh yea right!  Like I really believe that stupid scale.  I have a goal in mind right of where I want to be in 2 months time.  I really want to be down another 11 pounds by Thanksgiving. I sure would like to see that happen.  I am trying.  Exercising daily and have cut my calories back.  Although I went over my calorie limit tonight badly, that won't be happening again!  I have a goal and I have to meet it.
  So what if I don't?  Well I am not going to quit if that is what you are thinking.  I mean the Bible tells us, "He who began a good work in you is faithful to complete it!"  (Phil 1:6) SO if God won't give up on me then who am I to give up on myself??
  " Lord show me what you would have me to do!  Show me what I need to cut and/or add to my daily journey to get healthy!  Give me wisdom, help me to make wise decisions and most importantly I ask that you heal my knees, feet and ankles so that I can do what I want to do concerning exercise.  Lord it is only by your strength and help that I can and will meet my simple goals and eventually meet the major goal.  HELP ME LORD!"  ~ Amen!

Encouraging Words

Sometimes all you need is someone to tell you they have been there and support you.  Thankful that I have people in my life that do that for me.  But sometimes you gotta tell your self the same thing.  So the last few days I have been thinking about doing something to encourage myself. 

 I came up with this! 

 It's a little hard to read but you get the point!  Keep fighting!  No giving up!  No giving in!  You can do this!  Your life depends on it!  But my favorite is "Don't look at how far you have to go, look at what you have achieved!"  Which is what my 12 yr old son told me to add to my list!   I am so blessed with great kids!  Thank You Lord!

Seriously??

Ok why is it so stinkin' easy for men to lose weight!  Seriously!  I am stuck att he same weight for 3 weeks and my husband keeps losing weight.  Don't get me wrong I am happy he is losing cause it is improving his high blood pressure issue but dang it I need to lose more than he does!  Trying to figure out what I need to do to lose more.  Maybe starve myself?  Nah but I guess I will need to cut more calories out.  According to Loseit.com I am suppose to be able to lose 1 1/2  pounds but eating no more than 2400 calories for my weight size.  Well I cut back to 1800 when I started losing weight and now I guess I need to cut back some more.  It is frustrating because I have given up so much but apparently I need to do more.

Rough

 YEP!!! The above cartoon is definitely how it has been this week!  Well that is TODAY!  I haven't worked out for three days.  WHY?  PAIN!!!!!  I have been in so much pain!  Arthritis and neuropathy pain to be exact.  I hate when the two gang up on me and attack  That literally is how it feels.  There is nothing that can be done other than rest, take meds and pray.  Of which I have done.  Today I got up and said enough was enough although by the time it was workout time I was really dragging.  But I pushed through and did it. There is too much riding on me losing this weight and meeting some goals.

Yep again this is how I feel about the scale and my diet!  I want to shoot the scale.  I have struggled with the numbers this week.  I know I can't determine if I am doing well by what the scale says but when it goes up and not down and I am doing what I know to do i just want to through it against the wall, stomp on it and scream!  It's a mental thing honestly and I have got to break free of that kind of thinking!  In His strength I am strong, In His arms I belong.  In His strength I will win!
   Honestly my plea is "Lord help me!" 

No Complaining!

"Do all things without whining and complaining." (Philippians 2:14). What a great scripture for our kids to memorize and yet how many times do we as adults complain about going to work, house hold chores, serving at church, exercising, ect... Maybe we as adults also need to memorize this scripture, repent and realize we are bless to do have these opportunities in our lives!
    
That was my status the other day on Facebook.  It is something I have pondered the last few days and am grateful that God not only spoke to me but spoke to my kids.  I shared my devotional with them that morning before even thinking about school (we home school by the way).  Yesterday I shared about this new health journey I am on and let me tell ya after I shared with you I knew the bike was waiting for me.   I didn't say it out loud but I sure was thinking about how much I did NOT want to go work out.  I was complaining in my thoughts..."why do I have to do this,"  " I don't want to!" BUT I got up off my duff and went and worked out for 30 mins.  I even did a more intense workout and man am I feeling it today.  My calves are screaming and tight.  I need to go get on the bike and do some time but honestly my calves are sore and and ankles are stiff.  I will go work out and I will try to do so with a joyful heart!   

What are you doing to get healthier??  Let us not do it with whining and complaining but let's give God the glory for blessing us with the ability to get stronger in body and in Him!

Journey Towards Health

So I have embarked once again on a weight loss journey.  Yep this is going to be one heck of a journey and I have a LOT of weight to lose.  I feel like I need to just put this out there as well My starting weight was 348 lbs as of Jan of 2011 and as of today I am at 308. I have lost 40 lbs and have so much more to go.  In fact 108 lbs to go to reach my goal weight.   I have lost 22 lbs since April.  Just a few weeks ago I was down to 304 and now I am back to 308.  What caused this 4 lbs weight gain I have no idea.  Could be two things...water retention or muscle gain.
   I want to believe it is muscle gain because I have been working out with weights and doing some strenuous workouts with my legs but it more than likely is water retention.  I can tell because my knees and ankles are swollen.  Although they tend to swell every day do to the inflammation from arthritis.
   So how did I get so obese you ask?  Well let me think....EATING, NOT EXERCISING, yea that would be the biggest reason but there are some other things that have played into the whole issue such as low self esteem, lack of motivation, feelings of failure, fear of the unknown just to name a few.  Let me share a bit of my life history, although not the blame for everything, it has played a huge role in where I am today.
   As far back as 8 years of age I can remember being put on a diet.  Yes I distinctly remember my pediatrician telling my mother that I was fat and needed to be on a diet.  So home we went and I was not allowed snacks not even fruit.  I only ate three small meals.  I distinctly remember my portions were much smaller than my siblings and I always left the table feeling deprived.  I wasn't mind you but I thought I was and that is when I started sneaking food and hiding it in my closet. OK being super transparent here, I literally would wait till my parents went to bed and would sneak to the kitchen take food and then hide it under my toys.  Now don't think badly of my parents!  They were doing what the doctor said to do.   Back then you didn't go against what doctors told you to do.  I DO NOT BLAME MY PARENTS AT ALL!
   I remember very clearly one time at school, I was in 3rd grade and I had chosen a sandwich for lunch and part of the bread had fallen off.  When I asked the lunch aid to get a new one I was told, "Do you really need it?  Maybe if you wouldn't eat so much you wouldn't be fat!"  REALLY?  Hello, it was just the top of my sandwich I wasn't asking for another sandwich!  Needless to say another blow to my self esteem...she said this loudly in front of the whole cafeteria! 
    I also went through a few years where I was being molested by neighborhood boys and a family friend.  I never told anyone about it till I was a teenager but by then it had ended (we moved to a new city).  But the damage was there.  I began eating all the time to hide my depression and through therapy have realized that by gaining weight I was hiding from being hurt by men.  The whole "if I'm fat they won't want to touch me" thought process was there although not revealed to me until I went through a period of counseling.
   Through my preteen and teen years I continued to struggle with weight gain and would start a new diet and then quit.  I think I have been on every kind of diet there has been.  Into my adult life and I have continued to struggle.  Through the years I have failed to lose weight and keep it off always gaining what I lost and more back.  I have struggled with a low self esteem and feelings of failure in this area of my life for over 34 years.  Thankfully God placed my husband into my life who saw past my 'fat walls of protection," fell in love with me and we now have been married for 15 years, have had 5 children and are still in love!
   Anyway, due to my lack of self control and laziness I reached that terrible number of 348.   My health has paid for it as well.  I have arthritis, which is inherited but it is also a product of a sedentary life.  I have Type 2 diabetes and neuropathy (which is a daily battle with extreme pain) in both of my feet, ankles and now hands.  I am on meds for the diabetes and at the last doctor appointment I was told my A1C is an 8.  Which is terrible!  It has never been that high.  Only option was to increase my oral meds and if it does not come down I will be put on insulin.  Of which due to our financial situation we can NOT afford the meds for that. 
   I guess you could say God has used this situation to get my attention FINALLY!  So 4 weeks ago I started on this journey towards health.  I immediately started cutting out all soda, sweets (not a big sweet eater anyway) and carbs.  I also started exercising more.  I was exercising all summer, in our small swimming pool but decided it just wasn't enough so I started riding our stationary bike for 20 minutes a day.   I am now doing 20 mins. in the morning and 30 mins in the evening.  I also have started including hand weights.
   In four weeks I have lost 8 lbs.  WOO HOO!  That is huge!  It really is!  So, why am I so frustrated this week when I don't see the scale move or worse it goes up!  Not 2 weeks ago it said 304 and now it says 308.  That is frustrating to no end.  I have to be honest it did side swipe me this week.  Focusing on what that scale said why do I let it get to me?  I have to keep going forward and not let it dictate whether I am a success or a failure at this!
   I have to keep going, steady as I go.  Fighting for every pound, every ounce!!  With God's help I know I will succeed!  Took me 38 years to get this big and it will take me a while to get it off.  It is not going to happen over night and that is something I must remember!

Carry Me

This song says everything I am feeling:

Carry Me to the Cross ~ Kutless

When the path is daunting
And every step exhausting
I'm not alone
I'm not alone, no, no
I feel you draw me closer
All these burdens on my shoulder
I'm not alone, I'm not alone
You pull me me from this place

Hellelujah
You carry me every day
You carry me all all the way
Hallelujah
You carry me to the
You carry me to the cross

How your love has moved me, yeah
To the foot of all your glory
I'm not alone, I'm not alone
I'm not alone

Hallelujah
You carry me every day
You carry me all all the way
Hallelujah
You carry me to the
You carry me to the cross

All of these cities you have built
And every cathedral you have filled
To all of creation you gave life with your hands
And with those hands you comfort me
You lift me up from my knees
And carry me
You carry me

Hallelujah
You carry me every day
You carry me all all the way
Hallelujah
You carry me to the
You carry me to the cross
The cross
You carry me to the
You carry me to the cross

JUGGLE IS A HIT!

So I have a book that has really helped me a great deal.  I would have to say it actually has changed a few things on how I do things daily and how to accomplish what I need to in a day and the week.  I don't share much on this site but I am homeschooling our 4 children, one of which is high functioning autistic.  Anyway this book has made my life so much more organized and has helped a lot.
  What is that book you ask?  Let me share it with you!  "JUGGLE (Manage Your Time, Change Your Life!)" by Deanna Shrodes. This book written for Kindle has helped me greatly the last few weeks.  It is now available to purchase just follow this link: Juggle. 
  I absolutely love this book!  I have read many time management books over the years that left me feeling like a failure and would never achieve my goals. Some time management books have been so long that I never finished them but not with this book.  Juggle reads so easily and has real life situations as examples.   I immediately started using the steps that Deanna has to help you with your time management.  It has helped me greatly in my daily and weekly plans and goals.  Whether you have long term goals or short term this book will help you set priorities and give you steps to reach those goals.  Being a busy home schooling mother of 4 active children, time management has felt beyond my reach. These easy steps that Deanna shares in her book have given me hope. What a Godsend to me!  Seriously, no matter what your goals are, how crazy your life is, "Juggle" can help! 
   Deanna is a gifted writer, speaker, Pastor and wonderful friend. If you want to learn more about her go here.  I found her via a dear friend of mine, Michele, and have been following her blog ever since.  I had the privilege of meeting Deanna a few years ago and since then have had a great friendship, although long distance, a very cherished one. Deanna is always looking out for others doing her best to encourage others.  Check it out I promise you won't be disappointed.

BY THE WAY it hit #3 in it's category on Amazon just hours after being released!  Seriously if you are a student, mom, working woman, woman in the ministry, ok just about anyone out there, this book will help you greatly!

Blessed

I've come to a point in my life where I realize just how blessed I am.  I may not have material wealth, I may not be in perfect health,  but I am blessed.  I have a loving husband that is devoted to me and his family.  I am blessed with 4 healthy, entertaining, smart and courageous kids. God has been good to me.  No matter what trials or storms have come my way, God has been by my side.  It may not have always seemed like it to me at the time but I can see He was there now looking back.  
  So you might want to know what has happened that I am sharing this....NOTHING!  In fact looking at our finances...they stink!  Living pay check to pay check with no cushion or savings (be honest here).  Sometimes wondering how we will put food on the table...yes it's that tough some times.  BUt no matter what God has been good to us!  I shall praise Him through this storm!  I am blessed!

Punching Bag

Lately it feels like I am the bunching bag for a few people.  Specifically one who 15 years later has decided to attack me verbally.  REALLY???  Just love being the brunt of the blame for something they chose so long ago.  I am thankful I have real friends that know me, know my heart and have witnessed how God has changed my life and used me to reach others.  God knows the truth!  I spoke the truth into the situation and I chose to NOT listen to the negative banter that has become the choice of action. 

I am always amazed how people like to blame others for choices THEY make!  Good or bad, people need to accept the consequences for their actions.  I am not perfect!  NO ONE IS!  Not a single pastor, pastor's wife, or leader of any kind is perfect.  If you place your pastor on such a high pedestal they are bound to fall off and then your view of them and God may come to a crash.  Seriously, all pastors were sinners before accepting Christ as their Savior and hearing the call to be a pastor!  All pastors have a testimony and were not perfect before becoming a pastor and I can guarantee they are still not perfect after becoming a pastor.  Pastors are human! 
   Being a pastor doesn't dismiss them from repentance.  In fact being a pastor actually puts them in a position where every move, word, motive is critically watch by others under them.  Let me tell you most pastors live in glass bowls.  In other words watched under a microscope and one false move and they are zapped.  It's sad!  No wonder so many men and women leave full time ministry!

Easier?

Does it ever get easier?  I mean seriously.  Life? Parenting? Relationships? All of it seems so hard right now.  I just want a break. I can't take much more!  So many thoughts keep flooding my mind and yet somewhere there is a very dim light of hope that wants to invade the darkness.  I just wish it would break forth and show the next steps. 
  
    Abba are you listening?
    Abba do you hear me?
    Abba do you care?

Now before you write and tell me he listens, hears and cares...I KNOW THIS!  I am just at a point of asking Him again!

Believe

"Faith is taking the first step even when you don't see the whole staircase."  Martin Luther King, Jr.
Sometimes, ok most of the time I sure would like God to shed a little light on the stair case! Shew it sure has been a while since I last posted.  Sorry folks I do mean to get back to writing. So much has gone on since I last wrote and in general I don't share all that much on here just what God has been showing me.  But I feel I need to just share today.   

   In the last month our family visited NY and our family there. I lost both jobs as well.  One was a temp job so that didn't come as a big surprise.  I was told I would have another project to work on in June so losing that job hurt us financially but God has provided.  Then just last week, my main job came to an end as well.  My main job was as a care taker of an elderly woman who happened to be my best friend's grandma.  Evelyn passed away and went home to be with the Lord last week. She was loved by all who came in contact with her.

     Needless to say this all came as a shock to me.  You see in the last few months we decided to make a huge step of faith and home school all 4 of our children.  Oh my!!!  What am I thinking?!  Actually it all started years ago when our oldest started Kindergarten and I had the desire then.  Only issue was I also had twin toddlers and another older special needs child that I was over whelmed with.  So now this desire is coming full circle and I am stepping out in faith to do this.   It is scary on my part because I want them to have the best and to be honest I do question my abilities.  But here is the awesome thing about this huge step...GOD HAS PROVIDED!  I mean ALL  the curriculum and He keeps giving me great ideas on other things to add to the school year to encourage their excitement about learning. So I know this must be His plan because I have not paid more than $30 on what we have for their whole school year.

    I know this because when my husband I started talking about it I started praying that if it was God's plan for our family to start out on this journey then HE would PROVIDE ALL we needed for each child and each grade!  God has done just that.

   When we made this decision I didn't know that I would lose my main job though (it was a weekend job that would not interfere with schooling). So now here I stand in front of the stair case and I can not see the next step.  I so want God to reveal the next step!!!  

   Lord I stand in awe of how You provide for our needs, wants and desires.  I do trust that You again will provide!  I stand on your word and believe You will do all You promise.  These are the things I am believing for... 

1. Financial Freedom
2. Healing
3. Ministry Doors to Open 
4. Own our own home

     

The Ragin River

 During worship this morning, God showed me a picture of this raging river. It was fast and the current was strong but in order to get to the promises He has on the other side, crossing the river was a must. I saw people standing on the bank and instead of focusing on the promises on the other side they focused on the raging river and stood in fear and did not move forward out in faith. Then I watched others who although they saw the river kept their eyes on the promises on the other bank and stepped out in to the river.
  The river would over take those that turned back or looked at the raging water around them but those that stepped out and kept their focus on the promises, the river would become a gentle stream about them and they reached the other side where Jesus and His promises were awaiting them.

Something else God was speaking to my spirit is that...
The river is God's love for us, raging, full of jealousy, powerful. Some people are scared of it, scared to even get close and for some they inch in and stay on the shoreline just getting their feet wet. But for those that launch out into the depths, that raging river is gentle, full of grace and mercy, full of peace and healing. We have to go through His raging river of love to get to the other side to get to the promises He has for us. Not just what is in scripture but what has been spoken over us. The river is all consuming. As is His love for us.

 God seems to speak to me in pictures a lot of the time and I am still trying to take it all in.  I know there is some deep messages here.  I am trusting that He will show me more as I meditate on His word and ask Him to show me more.  I pray that what I have shared thus far is something that has or will encourage you.