End of the Year...2018

What a crazy year it's been. I have to say I have accomplished so much this year! I am down to 236. I am beyond excited to be out of the 240s. I am closer to my goal but still have 50 lbs to go.  Couple of weeks ago I broke my ankle so its been slow in the exercise dept. I can't put into words what losing this weight has meant to me. I can tell you that this morning
I realized I weigh less than I did when I grated from high school by 50 lbs. How awesome is that!!

Christmas 2017 vs Christmas 2018

Been stuck at 250 for 8 weeks and finally have gotten moved downward. today was 240.2. Doc says 200 is an attainable goal and anything more is a bonus. I want to get to 180 but if I reach 200 I will be very pleased.
  This has been a mental challenge more than a hunger one. Physically I'm not hungry and have realized you don't need large amounts of food to live or survive. Mentally I have wanted to drown my sorrows and other emotions with food and I just physically can't now. Which is good cause I can't hurt myself in that way but emotionally it means facing the issues and I just have wanted to do that.

Pictures say way more than a number on a scale!

June 13, 2018

Oct 1, 2018

Pictures say way more than a number on a scale!

Pushing Forward

Not sure if these pictures truly show the transformation but 54 lbs gone since surgery, Since my highest weight in 2012, I am down 88 lbs.I feel better, breath better, and my health is improving greatly. I share to keep myself accountable, to visually see the physical changes because despite the loss of 54 lbs since surgery, I still see the very old me. I still have 76 lbs to reach my ultimate goal, seeing the pictures of myself encourages me, this truly is not the easy way out. I love my tool, I love the health benefits and yes, I am loving the new slimmer me and look forward to when I can say, I have reached my goal.

    

Thirteen weeks ago I had gastric sleeve surgery.  My spleen was found to be enlarged so testing was done, CT and special blood testing, and all was found to be normal, thank you Jesus! Then came testing for neuropathy and the damage. Results are in and it's worse than I thought which really worries me about the future holds for driving, walking and other ambulatory abilities.  I have had one spinal ablation and am now waiting for the next procedure in 2 weeks. I am hoping it will finally relieve the back pain. So far I haven't seen any change.
  As for my weight loss, it's slow but it's coming off. I have lost 41 lbs since June 11 and 68 lbs since last Jan (2017). I am very happy, I am seeing a difference in the mirror. Now if I could just get more motivated to work out. I am just not motivated at all. Honestly I am depressed about so many things. Mainly about our finances. God has to do something drastic cause we can't keep living in this rut.

Tough week. I had to let go of my dog. Oddie was the most loving boy ever! He started biting and attacking our other animals. he was 8 and we believe he had doggie dementia. It's been a week and I miss him terribly. So very much.

I normally would go to food for comfort. I tried this week and have been sick every day. Chips, breaded chicken patty and ice cream have made me super sick! I know, I know running to food isn't the answer. I'm trying to face the pain but it hurt so deeply. Oddie was more than a dog, he was my therpy boy. He helped me during a hard time and was always there wanting my love, affection and he would lick my tears away. I miss him so much!

For over 35+ years this thing did make me cry. It never motivated me to do something about my weight or health. I'd start to lose and then stop. Fear and the what ifs always stopped me from staying focused. I can't explain why it scared me to lose weight, maybe it was a self identity issue well that and some other emotional baggage. Now this thing makes me smile! It still is a struggle when it says I'm up or down a few pounds, it aggravates me to no end cause I'm not able to finish any meal. But over all I am very happy I finally decided to do something to help me. Drastic, maybe, but it is literally saving my life. I'm 9 weeks out and down 31 lbs. I have another 80-85 lbs to reach my goal weight. I am focusing on 15-20 lb increments, taking small steps helps keep me focused at hand. I could have ever done this with out my loving husband Sean's support, my kids, family and closest dearest friends.

Goal 1 Met

YAHOO! I hit my first post surgery goal...25 down a lot more to go. I am so freaking happy about how things are going. For those that assume the weight just falls off, it DOESN'T! Not really! It takes discipline, making sure that I've gotten in my 100 grams of protein, all of my vitamins and then other foods is time consuming. My body is still adjusting. It's figuring out it's new normal and so am I.
   Change is hard, it's been 7 weeks and I'm just now starting to really be able to enjoy chicken. I plan o retry fish again this week too. I still see the 300+ pound me when I look in the mirror and friends say that will take time. I was morbidly obese for most of my life. It's going to take time to see the new me.
On another note, I don't just deal with weight issues, I have diabetic neuropathy, fibromyalgia, type 2 diabetes, arthritis in all of my joints including my spine. The neuropathy combined with the two knee replacements have cause drop foot. I am now going to need braces to help my feet, I wear compression gloves for my hands because the pain is 24/7/365 days a year. I deal with depression/anxiety as well. All this to say, I have a lot I'm dealing with. But knowing I am losing weight and getting healthier helps in so many ways!

One Month PO

One moth, actually 36 days ago I had gastric sleeve surgery. In those days, I have cried, given up & got back up, realized I eat too fast and I am a slow eater or at least I was before, and have learned this is the hardest "diet" ever. No it's not a diet. It's a life changing surgery in all aspects. I have no patients for the scale, never have, but now it's worse. I want to weigh myself weekly but let's be honest, I weigh daily. Some days I get excited, some days I need dynamite.
  My scale says 21 lbs down. I go to the doc tomorrow and I'm hoping it says more than that.  I  have learned I am an emotional eater. My new stomach doesn't let that happen all that much. I  just can't eat those comfort foods anymore. Heck, I can barely eat anything anymore. Only thing that doesn't make my stomach hurt is fruits, yogurts, soft, smooth textures, and broth soups. Suppose to be able to eat eggs, chicken, fish, cottage cheese, and a variety of veggies. But they all make me hurt or puke.
   Emotionally, I'm somewhat ok. Like I said, good days and bad days. Most is frustration. I can't do what I want because of my chronic pain from neuropathy, fibromyalgia and arthritis. Once back on the meds for the arthritis I am hoping I can do more. We shall see. So many issues, some directly due from being obese, some not so much but all have stole moments from my life and my kids lives. :( Sigh! 

I found this in a Facebook group and thought it was very true and helpful. So true! Things learned.... #repost 1. Your hormones will get out of whack. Men and women. As you lose fat, you release estrogen and that creates major mood swings. It can create havoc on your system. You might get angry or sad for no reason. You may develop anxiety. You might have depression and/or it might worsen. It WILL get better over time. 2. Women - your periods will change. If you didn't get them, they may suddenly start. If you were normal before, they might go nuts and happen every two weeks! Some people stop bleeding for a long time. Others never stop. It's a hormonal thing and yes, it will even out. 3. Eating will suck at first because you will not feel satisfied. Being full and satisfied are not the same thing. You will want more but can't have it. It will be hard to adjust, but you WILL adjust. 4. Taste buds will change. Things you loved before, will taste different and vice/versa. 5. Hair may or may not fall out. Some people get it badly, others just thin out some. You can take Biotin and other things to help, but most of it you cannot prevent. It will also even out. Cutting long hair does help because it aids in volume and the new hair blends better. 6. Relationships may struggle. You will have to take a look at who you are as a person and a couple. You will change and your significant other will have to change as well. Your whole outlook on food and life has to change - and they will either go along with you, or they just won't be able to take it. Communication is VITAL to keeping love alive and it's ongoing. 7. You will lose inches without the pounds. Pay attention to your clothes and not only the scale. 8. You WILL stall. It happens. Be patient. Drink water. 9. Some people with lax skin already, will only get worse. There is no amount of exercise to prevent it. Some young folks and those with different body types might get lucky. I hope it's you. If it isn't, just understand that it isn't your fault! 10. Sex will change for you. It might get better (and I hope it does!) It might hurt too (hormone changes). 11. How you see yourself will change. If you have always been the fat one, you will need to get to know yourself again. It's a process. Accept yourself and these changes. 12. People will treat you differently - and usually better. This part is hard to take when you realize how real fat shaming is. It should give you a sense of who your real friends are. 13. You may find yourself judging other fat people for their choices. Stop it. 14. Find an exercise you love to do and your body will love you for it. Yes, you can lose without exercise, but exercise is vital to maintaining muscle health and toning. 15. Comparing yourself to others is the best way to fail. You will lose at the pace that your body loses and another person's success does NOT degrade your own. Trust the process and your doctor. Same journey, but different boats, folks. Most of all - this is not easy. It will NEVER be easy. Nothing worth it ever is.

Two weeks out...1st week 13 lbs by docs scale, week two just 2 lb lost. 15 lbs in 2 weeks, not bad at all BUT I really thought it would be more. I know I have to get some perspective, it's hard. This is so much harder than I thought it would be. So hard!!!
  It's all mental. Sorta! I get so very hungry and can only eat 3-4 bites if that of anything. I get full quick. I just don't understand why I'm not losing more. Not like I can exercise yet. My stomach is still healing and my back won't let me do much without lots of pain.
  Ugh!!  Lord help me!

So this new journey isn't easy! I'm still trying to figure out how to eat, portions my stomach can handle and oh btw, I'm still eating soft foods like yogurt, applesauce and cottage cheese. I have tried cream of tomato and potato but it weighs heavy on my stomach. The protein shakes take me 2 hrs to finish and fill me up so I won't be hungry for 2-3 hrs later. But even though I get frustrated and am learning I still say my only regret is not doing it sooner!

        So I'm week into this new life, new journey. I go to my one week post op doc visit today. I'll be officially weighed in since my last weigh in with their office 10 days ago. If I base my weight loss on my home scale I'm very pleased. Here's what the MOST important change this week has been, I am no longer taking metformin, a diabetes med, AND my insulin has been cut from 100 units a day down to 35 a day and it will have to be changed again as my glucose numbers continue to come down. My numbers were ranging from 190-290 they now are running from 130-200. HUGE improvement!
         Some have ask how's the pain and eating going. Won't lie the pain was in some instances worse then the knee surgeries I've had for the first few days. Now the incisions are achy except the largest one, that one still hurts. As for "eating," liquid diet for 10 days is not easy. I have been able to handle a few bites of yogurt which has been the only solid allowed. After today I get to add banana, cottage cheese, creamed soup, peanut butter, plain applesauce, and V8 juice. Yay!!!!
      Mentally how am I doing...y'all this is way harder than I thought and I have been prepared. It's not that I'm starving or hungry all the time. Or even upset that I can't have all the junk food that got me here. It's knowing 3 small bites of yogurt fills me up, it's only being able to handle 2 oz of an 11oz protein shake at a time and takes me almost 2 1/2 hours to finish one and when I finally finish it, it's literally time to start another so I get the 3 required in by bed time. And I'm so full from the last that even starting the next one doesn't happen for another hour or two. This are all physical adjustments that I knew would happen, it's just gonna take some time to get use to.
        But even with all of the changes in the last week the only regret I have right now is not having the surgery sooner!!!

Father's day BBQ

Today was my first family get together and BBQ. First that is with my new stomach, new way of eating. Well sorta, I'm still on clear liquids for the most part. I'm allowed yogurt but have to limit it. My protein drinks come first, then water and then I can have Popsicles, yogurt and broth. Broth...not a fan! But, my mom gave me a great idea, use chicken noodle soup, heat and strain. At least the broth will taste good. So I plan to do that for lunch and dinner tomorrow.
  So not eating when everyone was enjoying cheese burgers, chips, potato salad, and baked beans was kinda weird. More so for my family than me. My dad really had a hard time with me not eating. I had my protein shake and was fine. But he was really worried. I spent time explaining things too him and hope it helped him understand.
  Speaking of my daddy. He truly is the best. He and I had a rough relationship when I was a teenager. I guess a lot of girls do. My reasons wouldn't come to light till I was in my twenties, when I was going through counseling. I was molested by my parents best friend and an older cousin. I guess I blamed my dad for not protecting me as a young child but it wasn't his fault. I came to terms with that and although I have never told him what had happened. I did write a letter of forgiveness.  It really wasn't for him but for myself. I have in recent years apologized for being a brat as a teen and our relationship is better than it has ever been. I'm grateful for my relationship with him but even more so my heavenly father. It is because of his healing me of my painful past that I am where I am today, emotionally and spiritually.
 SO how does all that tie into my new life, well for the longest time...40 yrs... I used food as an emotional comfort. i can no longer run to food to smooth over my feelings. I must face them, write stuff down and work through what ever is causing me discomfort. Again having the surgery is a tool towards a healthier me in every way!

3 Days Post-Op

So on Wed., June 13, 2018 I had the gastric sleeve weight loss surgery. It went flawlessly. Came home the next afternoon and I am so glad I did. I got better sleep at home for sure. Before I left for the hospital I weighed myself and the scale read 291.7. I was excited just for those numbers. It's weird being in the 200s which  hasn't happened since high school.
 So one thing everyone on the support pages on Facebook have said is to not get on the scale till a week out. Well I had to at least see how much the gas and IV fluids played with the scale. To my surprise I am already down 5 lbs. 286.4 to be exact. I am in shock for sure! I mean I know I will lose quickly the first few weeks and months but 5 lbs in 3 days is amazing.
   So things I am learning... take sips of liquid like drinking hot coffee. other wise it will hurt and may come right back up.  I have 6 incisions and right now my abdomen is super sore. the gas is slowly subsiding but is still there and still causes a great deal of pain. I am not hungry at all. Even with the kids eating dinner in front of me, I'm all good. No hunger pains, nothing. It's sorta weird.
   Right now I am trying to get the 100 gms of protein in a day and that's not easy at all. Each protein drink has 30 gms but it takes me 2 -2 1/2 hrs to drink 11 ounces. Plus get all my vitamins in and other meds I still have to take. Thankfully I no longer  need the metformin for type 2 diabetes.  So that's 5 pills I no longer take. I now take more vitamins then I do prescription meds and that is awesome.
  Only thing that has  me concerned at this moment is that while preforming the surgery my surgeon found my spleen to be enlarged. She says she doesn't understand why because it doesn't look diseased. It could be a variety of things. I googled it, yeah I know bad idea but I really wanted some kind of reference. I will be going to the a specialist and face what ever may come from this. I am believing the reduction of meds will help and that God is going to heal it no matter what.
   So my plans for this blog for the next few weeks is just to keep track of my progress, physically and mentally. This was the hardest decision to make and so far it definitely isn't easy. But I know I'll figure out my new life style, new eating habits and will learn thst portions are important and so is learning to deal with things and not run to food as comfort. From now on food is for nutrition first, then enjoyment.

So Close

It's been almost 7 months since I started this journey to a healthier and skinner me. Honestly despite my efforts I'm still where I was to begin with. I've gone through lab work, seeing a cardiac doc having an ekg and then an echo of my heart done. Then I saw a pulmonologist and xrays followed by a scope and biopsy of my esophagus and let's not forget the psych eval. With all that being done will being weighed in every month with my doctor and following the diet the nutritionist's diet. I've completed every thing required and now it's in the insurance's hands. I pray it ill be approved but have my doubts it will happen.
   I have no idea what will happen if it's not approved. Give up, maybe! I know God has a plan and as much as I hope this is part of it my luck is never good. I seem to always fight battles and honestly I am tired of always fighting.
  Many days I have no will to even get out of bed, but I do. My kisds and husband need me to be there for them. But I never feel like I have anyone there for me. I'm an ear and shoulder for others but never have one. It's beyond frustrationg let me tell ya.
   Anyway, so here I am in a holding pattern, waiting once again for God to move on my behalf.